9/20/23: therapy day
today, i had a therapy appointment. things are going alright with my new therapist but something tells me that it's not going to go beyond just...talking. we haven't discussed any kind of treatment like exercises or EMDR or anything like that. just talked about shit. and like, i like to talk about things. that's good. but how do i fix my shit? 
but also all of this seems so pointless when every day the world comes closer and closer to just bursting into flames. or that my government and a small percentage of my country wants me dead or at least very bad off. or that any moment something horrible and terrifying could happen to me. i'm always so on edge. just waiting. i thought for the longest time i was sitting around, waiting for something good to happen in my life. now i realize it's the opposite.
and what am i supposed to do about my brain that was rewired specifically to hate me.
sometimes i think everything would just be way better if i had never existed. like i dont wanna die but damn. i have caused so much negativaty and i dont even know how. i am a burden. i cant get a job. my degree is useless and now i'm in debt that i can never pay back. mentally, i am a mess. i hate myself. i dont even know who i really am. i never got to figure that out because any time i did anything i was punished and shamed and mocked. i tried my best to perservere regardless but now i am so so empty. 
i am so tired. i am tired every day all the time.
i don't know how to fix it. and i'm scared i never will.
anyways. i talked to my therapist today about how i need to make a will or next of kin document of some kind in case something happens to me, so my parents wont have any control over me. even in death they would want to control me. to possess me yet also despise me. what a paradox. they were obsessed with me yet they loathed me.
they do not even know me. they don't even know my name. only the one my birth mother chose.
it's fucked up that i even have to consider doing that but thats what happens when your guardians are psycopaths.>br>
now i'm home, we had a nice lunch at the mexican restaraunt and it made me feel better.
my partner is going to his doctors appointment now, so i get some time to myself.
i'm gonna go get stoned and probably watch youtube.
cheers
--arson
